There is no miracle to share. The scan after one week showed that there was no sac in Rita’s uterus. She started to bleed and our little embryo was gone. Our fourth ’maybe’ baby was no more. When I received mail from Dr. Malpani, regarding this, I felt numb. Dr has tried his level best to reveal the news in the most compassionate manner; I know it hurts him too. I just sat like that for some time. Although I expected this outcome from the previous scan result, it was still hard to face the reality. I lay down curled up trying to find some comfort. I couldn’t cry and didn’t want to. My mom was around. She is nearing her 60s. She might tolerate the miscarriage news but not her little one’s pain. My heart was crying and my mind was racing with so many thoughts. ‘What will I do next’ was the question inside me. This question is the one that keeps me going. I know well that, if I become stagnant, I will lose my life! My heart was bleeding, my last chance to have my genetic baby is gone; my blog’s title will not have any meaning anymore. I lay like that for 15 minutes trying to collect myself. I know that Rajender will be eagerly awaiting my phone call. I know that this news will cause him enormous pain. He is always more optimistic than I am and hence he is the person who undergoes enormous pain too. For me, the pain of what happened is less when compared to the pain I will undergo when I break this news to Rajender. To tell our loved ones that their dreams are no more valid is the hardest task. I collected all my strength and called him.
Every miscarriage is like unrequited love! You fall in love with a little embryo; you burn with desire to hold it in your hands happy and healthy after 9 months; you forget the entire world and the little one becomes your focus; you spin all your life’s dream around the little one; as time goes on you wouldn’t be able to imagine your life without him/her, you get addicted to the love of your life ; every cell in your body fills up with love; you are ready to give your life or do incredible things for him/her, but, one fine day, the little one is gone forever. You realize that you mean nothing to the little one who meant everything for you. You wonder what wrong you have done to get punished like this. You will have so many people around you yet you feel alone and abandoned. You were broken because you believed in your dreams. You might have been a fearless, independent person but now you are broken to pieces, an emotional wreck. You find life worthless. You long for a life you can never, ever get back – an angel which has left its footsteps in your heart and mind forever! You realize that how bad it could hurt to lose something which you never really had. It is a pain to love but to love in vain is even more painful.
"Love, unrequited, robs me of my rest. Love, hopeless love, my ardent soul encumbers, love, nightmare-like, lies heavy on my chest and weaves itself into my midnight slumbers."
William S. Gilbert
But isn’t it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?
For me, the miscarriage was painful, but, not as painful as it was when I lost my twins. I somehow felt not so connected to this pregnancy; it doesn’t appear real at all. The reasons were twofold: we lost the pregnancy pretty early and I didn’t undergo any of the process to get pregnant. All I gave is money and some other women did everything for me! I wondered about Rita, I wouldn’t expect her to feel the pain of losing a ‘maybe baby’, but I am sure she had her own set of fears and worries. Poor thing, her first surrogacy experience ended in not so good way. She might be afraid that she will be blamed for the outcome. She might wonder whether she would be used as a surrogate mother at all! How painful will it be for her to lose the compensation she might have got? Will anyone even care to ease her worries and fear?
I called my husband. I could imagine how anxiously he will be waiting for the call. For the first time I had tears. I collected all my strength and conveyed the message to him. There was silence at the other end for some time and then he said, ‘ok, what to do now, leave it!’ This is what all he said. I felt his pain. I tried to tell him not to worry; searched for some comforting words frantically. I wanted him nearby so badly, I wanted to hug him and cry aloud. We were three for 2 weeks now, but again we were back to being our usual self, only two! I thanked God – at least I am not alone!
After few minutes I asked Rajender what to do next! I am sure he would have been angry (I never, ever gave him enough time to grieve) but he kept his cool and asked me, ‘what you want to do?’ I said, ‘we will ask Dr to find an egg donor, please!’ I cried and said, I want to have at least your baby, a baby with your genes. After few seconds of silence he said, ‘Manju, can we please try one more time with your eggs?’ In that question, in that tone with which he asked me, I felt his love. I felt his eagerness to beget a child with me. I felt proud – he loves me, he wants me! I don’t know from where I got the courage and determination which I didn’t have until that moment. I said firmly, if that is what you want, I will be very happy to do it. I sat down to write a mail to Dr. I asked him ‘When can I start another stimulation cycle?’ I received a reply pretty quickly and he said me something else too which I will reveal later!